my rules, my life

I'm Ella, from Manila, Philippines. My friends describes me as a quirky, crazy, happy-go-lucky, eccentric, full of life, positive and friendly person.
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2 years ago, we met and I fell in love.
2 years ago, you left and I was heartbroken.

2 years ago you went away and I was devastated. You never knew I cried when you left. You never knew there was so much pain behind my smile when I said my last goodbye.

Falling in love with you is like a mortal sin. You’re the forbidden apple in the Garden of Eve. My feeling towards you is the snake that tells me to take a bite and take a risk. I took a bite and the risk, but what I got in return is pain. Pain from the heartache that brought me from loving you.

But in time, I got over you…or so I thought.

Until the day I was told that you were coming home, I was surprised. I forgot how to breathe for a second. My heart stopped beating and I felt butterflies in my stomach. That’s when I realized that I was not over you. I probably learned how to hide my feelings about you…but deep inside, it’s always been there. Memories of you came flashing back like a movie.

I loved the way you smile, it takes my breath away. Every time I see you smile, everything is in slow motion. Every time that we’re together, I just want time to stop…I cherish every moment I’ve spent with you.

They say that we should stop this…I should stop this, but I can’t. It hurts to think that I have to let you go…that I must let you go. I know it’s so selfish of me to keep hanging on to this kind of relationship but you are the reason why I learned how to smile again. You are the reason why I gained my confidence back. You are the reason why I stopped pitying myself. You are the reason why I stopped thinking that I was never enough…in your eyes; I see that I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

But alas, I have to stop dreaming that we could be together. I have to stop dreaming that there will be an “US because in this real world, there will never be an “US”. Life’s full of shit and irony. I’ve finally found someone who I want to spend my life with but given this circumstances, I have to let you go. I need to…I must…I know this is going to be hard.

I have to make my choices….I have to choose my priorities and these are my kids. I have to choose them over my happiness. Saying goodbye to you hurts so badly but I need to. You’re still young and maybe you’ll find the right person for you and have your own family. I wish you happiness and I hope that you’ll never forget me.

I bid you goodbye and hear this last words I’m about to say…I have loved you and will always love you. I never stopped loving you and will continue to love you until my very last breath. This is going to be my greatest sin and I will take it with me in my grave. And if given the chance to live again, on my next life, I hope that we can be together.

I love you…please remember that..